Last spring, I was plowing through my reading list, and I finally made time for The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. I’ve always been a huge fan of Valenti’s work, from the time I was introduced to her Full Frontal Feminism during college. Valenti is the kind of writer that challenges me to see the world in a different way, and while I may not always agree with her 100 percent, she makes me a better person by providing a different lens through which to view the world.

In The Purity Myth, Valenti notes that there is no medical definition of virginity and, furthermore, a clinical definition of virginity can not possibly fit both genders. If the concept of virginity is tied to a specific physical act — vaginal intercourse — it creates an outsize burden on the female: the physical transformation of the act of intercourse is something a male can never experience. And a physical definition of virginity is irrelevant in same-sex relationships.

Virginity, and often times the lack thereof, is a concept that I have struggled with for a long time. As a society, we encourage young ladies to “hold on” to their virginity because it’s so precious. Moreover, any young woman who decides that she will not remain a virgin is often forced to bare the label “slut”.

I’m certainly not advocating that sex is something that should be taken lightly. It’s not. It can adversely affect your health and welfare if the proper precautions are not taken. I’ve advocated on this site for a calm and rational sexual education, which is good and important, but perhaps we need to be spending more time thinking about the mental health aspect of sex, specifically virginity.

The reality is that we live in a world where young girls are auctioning off their virginity to the highest bidder. This is because we, as a society, have delivered a message that virginity is valuable, that it’s a commodity in demand. I have to wonder how the world would change if we stopped thinking this way. What if, instead, we told young girls that, yes, sex is a big deal, but there is no value to the physical reality of an intact hymen.

I know that’s a pretty radical thought for today; it’s even a bit jarring to see it there in front of me in black and white. I think one of the reasons this concept is so frightening is because young girls use their virginity as a morality guide. It’s not difficult to see how removing virginity as a criterion for morality can lead down the path of a slippery slope argument, where all of the human race goes to hell because we will all get chlamydia and die.

I’ve stated before that feminism is about taking the path that you want to take. I certainly don’t mean to be advocating the position that everyone should be out there sexing it up. I have friends my age who still consider themselves virgins; they totally own that position, and it works for them. They adopt that Cher Horowitz ideal: “You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet!”

All I’m asking is that we take away the pressure associated with remaining a virgin. Let’s turn the focus to empowering women to make informed decisions, to have healthy sexual relationships without stressing the virginity question. OK, and maybe I’m asking for a little bit more discussion with families and in the classroom regarding the mental health component of sex and, specifically, the first time any individual engages in sexual activity.

Most of the views I’ve mentioned above took a long time to cultivate and, honestly, they are still changing with every intellectual morsel I digest. That’s the wonderful thing about being human; we get to change our minds and evolve. I’m sure if my husband and I ever get around to cultivating tiny humans, my opinions on this matter may evolve again.