A few months ago, an eighth grade science teacher in my kids’ school district was arrested on child pornography charges. My children, ages 9 and 6, are still in elementary school, but these events required a[nother] discussion with my kids about predators — including how to protect themselves.

For the most part, in our house we have a “don’t hit” rule. However, this rule applies only to people who actually live in our house. The kids don’t hit each other or their dad or me; we don’t hit the kids or each other. My husband and I discipline our kids, for sure, but never by spanking, slapping, or hitting.

Anyone else is fair game.

Before you start freaking out, please know that my kids are good kids. They display excellent behavior at school, and we find them to be generally pleasant, fun, and decent kids. We have not given the kids license to settle every playground disagreement by force. Since my children have emerged from their toddler years (where every kid operates in a feral zone), they have not hit another child outside our home. (They do sometimes still hit each other, but these occasions are quite rare.) But when it comes to bad guys, all options are on the table.

Unfortunately, it is hard to tell the good guys from the bad. The term “guys” here does, in fact, refer to males. While there are female sexual predators, the vast majority are men. And since 90 percent of all child victims know their offender, that offender could be a teacher, coach, neighbor, family friend, or relative. And all of them seem so nice. Terrifying, I know.

I had to tell my kids what the teacher in our district had been accused of. I had to tell them exactly why those actions were wrong. I had to tell them that I hoped none of the man’s students were his victims, but until the investigation is complete, we won’t really know. I had to tell them that even if some of the students had been victims, they may be too ashamed to tell. I had to tell them that it’s never the kid’s fault if something like this happens. Never. I had to tell them that if an adult tells a kid to keep a secret, or threatens them, or threatens a kid’s family or pets, that the first thing that kid should do is to tell a trusted adult (a parent, for example).

I had to tell them that their bodies are theirs and no one — not me or their dad, not a relative, a teacher, club leader, or cafeteria aide, not our neighbors, or any of our friends or the kids’ friends — should ever touch them in any way that feels creepy, strange, uncomfortable, painful, weird, or bad.

This can be a challenging rule in light of overly affectionate great aunts or other distant family members. Nonetheless, don’t make your kids hug or kiss relatives if they don’t want to. This is one of the first things you can do to show a child that their body really is theirs. Forcing a child to hug or kiss anyone when they don’t want to sends a message that their bodies are theirs … unless and until someone else wants to do something to them. This is a terrible message.

Giving kids control over their own bodies can be a challenge for caring and nurturing moms and dads. Parenting instincts notwithstanding, don’t make a kid dress for your comfort. If it is cold outside and you, yourself, feel cold, don’t force your kid to bundle up if he tells you he is fine. Doing so demonstrates that your child can’t even tell if her own body is comfortable. And if the child can’t tell when her body is comfortable, how will she be able to tell when it’s not? So, let your kid make these basic decisions about their own bodies, please.

I had to tell my kids that if anyone ever touches them in an inappropriate way or asks to be touched, they can and should say no — loudly and plainly. They can and should get away and get to a safe adult immediately and tell us as soon as possible. I had to tell them that if saying no doesn’t work, or if they couldn’t get away, they should yell, scream, kick, bite, claw, and hit. I had to tell them that not only could they do it, but that they should do it. No matter with whom or where — even if it’s at school, or in public, or in a friend’s house, or in our own home. And I told them that if this ever happened, whether they said no or not, or whether they caused a scene or not, or tried and failed to get away or not, that it would never, ever be their fault.

I reiterated this message and reassured them that they could tell me if anything like this ever happened to them — that it would be an adult conversation, just like the one we were having right then. I reaffirmed that I will not freak out, and I will always listen to them. I told them that they have my and their dad’s full support in using whatever force they deem necessary to protect themselves. I told them that they will never get in trouble by me or their dad for protecting themselves, no matter what method they choose. I also told them that, if they get in trouble by anyone else for protecting themselves, I would handle it.

The kids asked some questions, which I answered as best as I could. Then I took a deep breath and hoped that they heard at least some of our discussion in their bones. Since then, I have raised the subject again a time or two in a casual, informal way. I will continue to do so in the future.

Parents spend a lot of time telling kids what not to do. But these “nots” have some exceptions. We, as parents, need to make sure that we give voice to those exceptions and tell kids exactly when it is OK to ignore the “nots” — and how to go about it.