Category Archives: language

Oklahoma!

State your name: Etymology of these United States

The names of provinces in any country can be seen as a road map of the people who lived there: the conquering, the conquered, the vainglorious, and the descriptive. The United States is no different. The East Coast is draped with the names of kings and the poetry of conquistadors, while the northern and western parts of the country are largely sprinkled with indigenous words and phrases that have all but lost their original meanings. Without further ado, let’s have a closer look at this patchwork tapestry.

 

Alabama is likely from a Choctaw term meaning “plant-cutters.”

Alaska is from the Aleut word alaxsxaq, which means, “the object toward which the action of the sea is directed,” or perhaps more succinctly, “the coastline.”

Arizona is a Spanish transliteration of an O’odham word meaning “having a little spring,” probably not in reference to the Colorado River. The O’odham are an Aztec offshoot that were frequently called Piman by the Spanish. This is probably because, when the Europeans asked them who they were, they replied “pi mac,” which means “I don’t know.” Y’know, because language barrier.

Arkansas is a French transliteration of the word used by the Algonquian peoples to describe the Quapaw, a Sioux tribe that lived on the Arkansas River.

California was named by Spanish explorers after a fictional place in a 1510 novel of Garci (Ordóñez) Rodríguez de Montalvo, whose works are compared to those which make up Arthurian legend. The name may as well be Arrakis or Hogwarts, as the word does not mean anything in particular.

Colorado was named after the Colorado River. The Spanish word simply means “colored,” and implies a reddish, weather-beaten hue.

Connecticut is from the Algonquian quinnitukqut, “at the long tidal river.”

Delaware was named for the first English colonial governor of, ironically, Virginia, Thomas West, 3rd Baron De La Warr. The word is roughly French for “of the war,” or “warrior.”

Florida was discovered by the Spanish in 1513 on Palm Sunday, one name for which is Pascua florida, or “flowering Easter.”

Georgia was named for King George II of Great Britain. As a side note, the Caucasian country Georgia was named for Saint George.

Hawaii is Proto-Polynesian for “place of the gods.”

Idaho is from the Kiowa-Apache word idaahe, meaning “enemy,” used to describe the Comanches.

Illinois comes from an Algonquian tribe who called themselves ilinouek, or “ordinary speaker.”

Indiana was named for the “Indians” in the Americas, who were, of course, not actually from India at all. The word originally derives from Sanskrit sindhu, the same root as the word Hindu, and it means “river.”

Iowa comes from Dakota ayuxba, or “sleepy ones,” describing the Chiwere people who lived there. I feel like we can just name the entire country “Iowa” without much difficulty.

Kansas shares the same root as Arkansas.

Kentucky probably comes from an Iroquoian word meaning “meadow,” something like geda’geh.

Louisiana was named after King Louis XIV of France, deriving from Old High German Hluodowig, “famous in war.”

Maine comes from the name of a French province. The word is Gaulish, probably in reference to “mainland.”

Maryland was named after the wife of King Charles I of England, Henrietta Maria of France.

Massachusetts is Algonquian for “at the large hill,” because there’s a big hill southwest of Boston.

Michigan was named after the lake, probably Old Ojibwe meshi-gami, which means “big lake.” So Lake Michigan is “Lake Big Lake.”

Minnesota is from Dakota mnisota, which means “cloudy water,” in reference to a river.

Mississippi was, of course, named after the river, originally an Ojibwe construction, mshi ziibi, or “big river.” There we go again. The Mississippi River is the “big river river.”

Missouri is from an Algonquian word meaning “people of the big canoes,” in reference to Chiwere tribes from that region.

Montana is just Spanish for “mountain place,” because of all the Rocky Mountains there.

Nebraska is from the Omaha word ni braska, which means “flat river.”

Nevada was named after the Sierra Nevada mountain range on the border. The word is Spanish for “snowy.”

New Hampshire was named after the English county of Hampshire. Hampshire, similar to Hampton, comes from Old English hamtunscir, which simply refers to a village-town and its surrounding farmlands.

New Jersey was named for the Channel Island of Jersey. The word probably either comes from Old Norse jarl (earl) or somebody’s name.

New Mexico was not actually named after the country of Mexico. The state, then a province of New Spain, was named in 1598 — that’s 220 years before Mexico gained independence and named itself. The word is Aztecan mexihco, of unknown origin.

New York was renamed from New Netherland, from when the Dutch East India Company set up shop for the lucrative fur and trading opportunities. It was renamed after British acquisition in honor of future King James II, then Duke of York and Albany. The word York eventually derives from ancient Celtic Eborakon, or “Yew tree estate.”

North Carolina, South Carolina, and Georgia were all one state until the early 1700’s, when governing disagreements caused many of the Lords Proprietor to sell their shares back to the crown. Carolina was named in honor of King Charles I of England (Latin Carolus).

North Dakota was named for the Dakota tribe, who spoke Sioux. Their word, dakhota, means “friendly.”

Ohio was named after the river, with the Seneca word ohiyo, which means “good river.”

Oklahoma is from a Choctaw construction, okla homma, which means “people who are red.” Daniel Snyder is vindicated.

Oregon is probably originally Algonquian, but we don’t know what it means!

Pennsylvania means “Penn’s woods.” Penn is Welsh for “head,” sylvania is Latin for “woods.” It was named not after William Penn, the founder of the colony, but rather his late father, also William Penn. Will wanted to name it “New Wales.” That’d be fun.

Rhode Island was probably an extension of the Dutch name given to Block Island, Roodt Eylandt, or “red island.”

South Carolina shares the same origin as North Carolina.

South Dakota was separated from North Dakota in 1889 on account of population growth. Name origin is shared.

Tennessee is named for a Cherokee village Ta’nasi, the meaning of which is lost.

Texas is a Spanish transliteration of a Caddo word, taysha, which means “friends.” Is it time to change the state’s motto to “I’ll be there for you?” *clap clap clap clap*

Utah is from Western Apache yudah, or “high.” As in mountainous, not as in stoned, considering the large Mormon population. Though Colorado is next door.

Vermont sort of means “green mountain” in French, but the correct form would be “Mont Vert,” so maybe the person who named it didn’t actually know French very well?

Virginia was named, of course, after the Virgin Queen of England, Elizabeth.

Washington was named after George Washington. The word is Old English for “Wassa’s house.”

West Virginia was originally part of Virginia but split during the Civil War.

Wisconsin was named after the river, but the origin of the word is unknown.

Wyoming comes from a region on the other side of the country, in Pennsylvania. It’s from an Algonquian word, chwewamink, which means “at the big river flat.” They named the state Wyoming because they had nothing better to call it, I guess?

 

So that’s the end of the tour. Hopefully you’ve discovered whether your favorite state is friendly or sleepy or even if you’re a “Jarlsey girl.” See you next week!

vanburen

Democratizing American English has been OK for years

This week’s special Lingwizardry is brought to you by our resident historian, Kevin Hillman.

Every year, Merriam-Webster adds new words to the dictionary. And every year, we bemoan the addition of lingo like “LOL” and “sext” to our official lexicon, as though it is indicative of the downfall of society. But these words, primarily created in the Internet age, are part of a long American tradition.

See, unlike the French, who have an Académie that regulates their language, English, particularly American English, has a long tradition of democratization. So while it is easy to whine about kids and their PDAs and typewriters ruining good ol’ American words, remember that it is nothing new, and an evolving language is really OK.

Actually, “OK” is the perfect example of how Americans have democratized the English language in the past 200 years. “OK” sounds like a word that would have been invented in the Internet age alongside LOL and WTF. The word, in all its simplicity, actually predates Internet lingo by about 155 years. It sounds like an acronym and looks like one, too, but ask people what “OK” stands for and very few could give you the answer. Most signs point to “OK” meaning “orl korrekt,” which you might recognize as making no damn sense whatsoever.

It turns out that American men and women of the 1830s actually had a sense of humor, and even though they were among the few people in the world who were actually literate, they liked to misspell words and make weird acronyms. You might recognize this as common practice for anyone who’s ever sent a text message. “Orl korrekt” was a purposely corrupted spelling of “all correct” and took on its meaning, and, as was hip at the time, was then shortened to simply “OK”.

This democratization of language was a direct result of the Declaration of Independence. Following the American Revolution, common folk began to see themselves as human beings on an equal footing with their supposed social betters. The American aristocracy (Greek aristokratía, from aristos, “excellent,” and kratos, “power”) certainly didn’t love the idea, but it came with the territory after claiming that “all men were created equal.”

The first and second generations born after the American Revolution had taken its purported goals to heart and began democratizing institutions everywhere. This democratization led to the drastic divisions in the Protestant Church, which created several new sects due to popular differences in interpretation. Politics became less about deferring to the greater sort and more about selecting the guy who agreed with your views — or bought you beer.

It also affected much of our language, with Mister, Madame, and other honorifics coming into common use for common folks, as opposed to being reserved for the upper class. Democratization of the English language meant the spelling of some words was changed to align with more common usage, a practice that exists to this day and can cause a lot of confusion.

Even the word “democracy” itself took on new meaning — or, at least, new connotations. To the Founding Generation, “democracy” (Greek dēmokratía, from dēmos, “people,” and kratos, “power”) was a dirty word, used in disgust and largely viewed as describing “mob rule.” Many of the founders of the American Republic thought the common people just weren’t capable of ruling themselves, which is the reason we have a Senate and an Electoral College and don’t pass laws based on referendum the way the Athenians did things.

The change in tone for “democracy” came at about the same time as the rise of “OK” — and largely thanks to the same man. “OK” was perhaps the biggest product of American linguistic democracy. An abbreviation and misspelling fad in 19th-century Boston created the most commonly understood word in the 21st-century world. Its simplicity and catchiness gave it tremendous spreading power. But “OK” never would have spread far outside of the working classes of Boston if not for the most important president in the history of the United States.

Of course, I’m speaking of Martin Van Buren. The eighth president of the United States and key founder of the Democratic Party began his life in Kinderhook (Dutch for “children’s corner”), New York, and was of Dutch ancestry. The first “ethnic” President, Van Buren actually spoke Dutch as his primary language. Van Buren was also the first president born after the American Revolution, making him the first president born a U.S. citizen — and making the “This is America, so speak English,” argument look a bit absurd. Van Buren, the son of a tavern keeper, had no love for the aristocratic ways of Old America and was a strong advocate for giving a voice to the common man.

In the early 1820s, Americans believed party politics was dead. The Democratic-Republicans of Thomas Jefferson were the only viable political party left, having defeated the Federalists soundly and frequently. With the election of 1824, however, that all changed. With four different candidates on the presidential ballot, no man was able to secure a victory, and the race was thrown into the House of Representatives, which awarded the election to John Quincy Adams. Popular favorite Andrew Jackson was furious, and Van Buren, with his brilliant political mind, saw an opportunity.

The country was shifting from the days of the Revolution, which romanticized the ancient Roman Republic and the ideals of disinterested leadership, to the second generation of American political leaders and an affinity for all things Ancient Greece. Hence the shift in popularity of the word “democracy” as well as its philosophy, which was associated with Ancient Greek government.

Van Buren understood the shift better than anyone. After the election of 1824, Van Buren began assembling an opposition party against Adams by using the prestige and stature of Old Hickory. Jackson, viewed as a hero of the people, was able to garner support from all around the country, as common men viewed his rough nature and gruff attitude as proof that he was just like them. His immense popularity led to Adams leaving after only one term in office, as Jackson, the people’s chosen representative, was elected in 1828, establishing the Democratic Party as a force to be reckoned with.

Van Buren had built a party from the ground up and changed the way we look at politics — and our own language. Van Buren, in the tradition of Jefferson, changed the connotation of “democracy” into a positive one. The first generation born under the Declaration of Independence was seeing to its promise of equality for all — err, all white men anyway.

1836 was Van Buren’s year to take up his party’s mantle. He took on the Whig candidate, William Henry Harrison, and was victorious in a landslide, largely thanks to the popularity of the incumbent. In 1840, however, Van Buren was not so lucky.

Van Buren’s Democratic Party and the Whigs who opposed it established what we would consider the modern political system. The elections were no longer about issues but more about appealing to the masses with slogans and sound bites. Harrison’s Whig Party ran with “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too” in reference to Harrison’s military victory in the Battle of Tippecanoe and his running mate, John Tyler. They also perpetuated the myth that Harrison, like Van Buren and Jackson, was a common man’s hero, born in a log cabin on the frontier — which he certainly was not. Harrison was Virginia aristocracy, born in a comfortable mansion, with a father who signed the Declaration of Independence. The log cabin image, however, caught on.

Van Buren, despite being the son of a tavern keeper, was portrayed as a wealthy, aristocratic snob. You may recognize these tactics, as they still exist to this day, with the best example being George W. Bush, a Yale legacy and son of a president convincing the country that he was a Washington outsider and a cowboy.

To combat the Whigs, the Democrats began calling Van Buren “Old Kinderhook,” or “OK” for short, in reference to his hometown. “Old Kinderhook” used the nickname to gather grassroots support, but was ultimately defeated by Tippecanoe and his Log Cabin campaign, proving that perception is everything when it comes to politics.

On the bright side, the race greatly popularized the use of the word “OK”, with it reaching all corners of a country which had only a president and a common language uniting it. The introduction of the telegraph and the railroad, which signaled the birth of mass communication, meant that “OK” would spread across the nation, just like the Internet did for “LOL” and “sext”.

In time, our language further evolved, with “OK” now being written as “okay” in most of our conversations.

Today, we honor Old Kinderhook’s memory by invoking his nickname in every single conversation we have. So remember, Old Kinderhook may not make your list of top ten U.S. presidents — unless you rank them in chronological order — but Martin Van Buren did popularize the most American of words, and that is pretty OK.

tantalus

We all scream for … frogurt? Divine delicacies defined

By the gods, do I ever love ice cream. I would be eating ice cream right now if I had some. It’s like, 80 degrees in my house because I’m cheap when it comes to my electric bill, and it’s a struggle for me not to buy and consume the delicious, delicious foodstuff on a daily, if not hourly, basis during these warm months. Maybe you can relate.

But it’s not just ice cream either. There are a spate (spate, I say!) of frozen yogurt shops springing up all over the place, and you’d be remiss not to visit Rita’s for Italian ice once or twice this summer. Perhaps the elusive ice cream truck will stop by with its merry song, delivering frozen dairy product to your front door.

Where do we get all these tasty desserts, and how do they differ from each other?

Ice cream, of course, is best during warm weather, but modern refrigeration techniques (vapor compression) have only been in use since the mid-1800s. How did the people get their refreshing cold desserts before that? The Persian empire would save snow in a domed building called a yakhchal (“ice pit”), in which evaporating water kept the temperature cool. If a city was close enough to a mountain, citizens could also send runners to the higher elevations and fetch fresh snow. They would pour grape juice on the snow and eat it. Just like mom used to make.

Around 200 B.C., the Chinese first used an ice cream-making device that looks like the kind of thing you can buy at Walmart today: a container that gets dunked in snow and salt, to lower the freezing point of the water, then sloshed around until the milk and rice have frozen inside. This was pretty much standard practice for the next 2,000 years.

More recently, ice cream became more accessible and popular along with the onset of refrigeration, and the ice cream sundae (a respelling of “Sunday,” due to religious deference?) made its appearance in the late 19th century. Shortly thereafter, the ice cream cone, the soda fountain/ice cream parlor, and soft serve ice cream (in which air is mixed in to make the product lighter and allow it to move through a spigot) came along.

Aside from straight-up ice cream, we also have frozen custard, frozen yogurt, gelato, sorbet/Italian ice, and sherbet. The fab five?

Custard was invented in 1919 by the Kohr brothers, who basically beat egg yolk into the ice cream to keep it cold longer for afternoons on the Coney Island boardwalk.

Yogurt (Turkish, “to be curdled”), of course, is a deeply storied food, stretching back at least four millennia in India and the Middle East. It’s made by introducing bacteria cultures to milk. The bacteria ferments the lactose into lactic acid (like when milk curds but … tastier), which makes it squishy and sour. The frozen variety was introduced in 1970, but only really came into its own with TCBY (The Country’s Best Yogurt) in 1981. Froyo went through a low in the late 90s (probably because marketing suggested a different Ice Cream of the Future) but has been coming back strong in the last few years. Though typically, when I go to a frogurt place, I pour just a little bit of yogurt and add like 500 pounds of toppings.

Gelato is from Latin gelatus (“frozen”). In the United States, there’s no specific differentiation between gelato and ice cream, although ice cream has to have a certain amount of milk fat (10 percent — less than that and you have to call it a “frozen dairy product”). Gelato, on the other hand, can be anything, though it is typically airy and highly fatty. Like I like my … men?

Sorbet and sherbet share the same root: Arabic sharbat (“a drink”). They are different things, though! At least in America, sorbet and Italian ice (or water ice) contain no dairy products, just frozen fruit juice, making it sweeter and giving it that sort of flaky consistency. Sherbet (also sometimes called sherbert, a recurring character in the Dilbert comic strip notreally) has 1 to 2 percent milk fat, which cuts the fruity sweetness and makes it scoop up more like ice cream.

So now that we’re caught up on mortal desserts, let’s see what the gods are slurping down in the heat. Contrary to what you might think, they aren’t all immortal just because. No, they get longevity from tasty treats, which is sort of the opposite of how we work in the mortal realm. For instance, the Greek gods would chow down on nectar (Proto-Indo-European: nek, “death”; tar, “overcoming”) and ambrosia (Indo-European n-mer-to: mer, “to not die”; to, “being”).

Now, the gods are typically quite possessive about their grub. When Tantalus (root of our “tantalize”), a mortal king, ate at the gods’ table, he sneaked a bit of ambrosia into his doggy bag and took off. The gods punished him by locking him in the nether regions of Hades, where he couldn’t reach the fruit hanging over his head or the water below him, forever yearning and never being able to sate his hunger and thirst. Well, they did that either because he stole their fruit punch or because he carved up his own son into a pie and tried to feed him to the gods for brunch one time. Hard to say.

It’s not just the Greek gods who get immortality from their desserts. The Hindu angelic devas had to recover their longevity after a curse was placed on them. They convinced the demonic asura to help out, promising half of the life-giving, milky amrita (same root as “ambrosia”). After churning the ocean, using a giant snake king and a mountain, the devas got their juice and left the demons poisoned by the snake king’s toxic breath, unable to reap the benefits after all. Sneaky buggers.

The Norse gods, too, needed snacks to keep up their lifespans. In their case, the goddess Iðunn (“ever young”) tended apples that reversed aging in those who ate them. At one point, the giant bird Þjazi, a jötunn and enemy of the gods, coerced Loki into luring Iðunn away from her orchard in search of interesting apples, and Þjazi kidnapped her. The other gods started to age and wither, and they forced Loki (who just gets pushed around a lot in this story) to get her back. Loki transformed into a falcon and flew to where Iðunn was kept and turned her into a nut, which he could carry on his back, and flew her home. Hooray for ambiguously heroic/villainous trickster gods!

So whether you’re chilling out this summer with ice cream, frogurt, or immortality-granting produce, remember that you won’t win the gods’ favor by trying to feed them your progeny. Cheers, and we’ll see you next week!

roman-marriage

Nice day for a green wedding: Those pricey traditions

Late spring into early summer is the perfect time for weddings. The weather is temperate and docile, the foliage is in full bloom, and potential guests have extra gift money on hand from low utility costs over the last few months.

Of course, wedding vendors the world over are well aware of these truths, and price accordingly. Between paying top dollar for the dress, the rings, the food (and cake), the venue, and the entertainment, somebody’s coming out of this process wishing it were December instead. It can’t all be lush, red roses and gorgeous, photogenic rainbows after all.

Let’s see if we can trim the fat a bit by looking at our cash-intensive traditions and where they come from. Maybe there are some things we can do without.

 

The Dress

What’s the deal with these wedding dresses, anyway? You buy one for way more than the price of any other dress you will ever own, and then you wear it one time ever. Whose bright idea was this?

As usual, we can blame Queen Victoria. When she married Prince Albert in 1840, she bucked the trends and picked white as her color, to signify purity. Shortly thereafter, it caught on, with rich women wanting to show off that they could afford a dress that would pretty much immediately be ruined if it suffered any wear or if they did any kind of work.

Most everyone does white these days, but it’s not required if you’re getting remarried (for whatever reason). In India, however, brides wear anything but white, as that’s the color of mourning, and typically go for red instead.

As to veils, these aren’t for hiding the bride’s beautiful face from the groom, but rather from evil spirits. Roman brides, along with their five witnesses (bridesmaids), wore veils and identical dress so as to confuse the dastardly spirits that might want to steal away her fertility at the moment she passes from the protection of her father to that of her husband.

When it comes to the bride adorning herself with something old, new, borrowed, and blue, this superstition seems to be related to protecting oneself from the evil eye. The evil eye, wielded at times even by an unknowing practitioner of the dark arts, is a widespread cultural myth, which in our contemporary society has been diminished to the less-malevolent “stink eye.”

Anyway, it was common practice for everyone to have something blue on them, to avoid the curses of the eye, which might cause things to dry up (like wells or, in the case of weddings, reproductive organs). The “something borrowed” really should, by tradition, be the undergarments of a woman who has already given birth, so they can confer her fertility to the new bride. We also typically leave off the final line of the poem, “and a silver sixpence in her shoe.” Silver, of course, doubles as a powerful aphrodisiac (not really) and werewolf deterrent.

The Rings

The first engagement rings were probably invented by the Egyptians, while the Romans made them popular. Roman men wore rings of iron to indicate that they were citizens. Giving such a ring to a bride-to-be would indicate that she was now “like people.” Romans believed the left ring finger (named after, y’know, where you wear your wedding ring) contained a vein (or sinew) that led straight to the heart. This idea is either delightful or creepy, depending on your perspective, I guess.

The Cake

More Roman origins. These Romans are popping up everywhere, I swear. In ancient Rome, the priest class, known as Flamen, got married by eating a cake made of spelt, a kind of wheat, in a ceremony called “confarreatio,” which basically means “eating spelt.” In medieval Europe, cakes were stacked up high, and if the bride and groom could kiss over their cake, they would have a long and happy marriage. Sucks to be short, I guess.

The Entertainment

In the United States, we hire a DJ or a band and get a second cousin who plays the viola to perform at the ceremony. Then people dance, or not, as the mood takes them. We have first dances, parental dances, money dances, ridiculous group dances like the Chicken Dance, Electric Slide, Macarena, the Hora if you’re Jewish, that terrible clapping, stepping, cha cha thing, and I’ve even seen the Hokey Pokey once or twice. Maybe some other cultural traditions can help us out here, to give us some more variety, at least.

In Ethiopia, the wedding day starts with the groom and his friends going to the bride’s house and forcing their way inside through the bride’s relatives while loudly singing. The “best man” then sprays perfume everywhere inside. Why yes, yes, it is an overt metaphor for sex.

How about Germany, where bride kidnapping is the norm, which you may recognize from The Office. The groomsmen take the bride bar-hopping, leaving clues behind, while the groom follows after them and pays their tabs. Hmm … that doesn’t really sound less expensive than the overpriced DJ.

In Romania, the lăutari (“lutists”) follow the couple around all day, playing specific songs to fit the moment, and act as entertainer/emcee/event organizer all in one.

The Ceremony

In the United States, the ceremony is most often going to be a Christian one, performed in a church. We have special music, ring exchanging, vows, probably a brief sermon, and then people throw rice at the married couple. Also, there are unity candles these days. What is the deal with those, anyway? Like, people aren’t content with the half-dozen existing symbols for unity inherent in the wedding service, like the rings, the joining of hands, the kiss … they also need something that’s blatantly called a “unity” candle? I’ll get over it.

Maybe you’ve also seen a Celtic-style rite called handfasting? The word “fast” comes from Proto-Germanic fastuz (“firm”). We have three definitions for the word, which carry very different meanings, but they all happen to share this root. You can be a fast runner (or a “firm” runner). You can fast to skip meals or other desired things (or hold “firm” against temptation), then break your fast by eating breakfast. You can also fasten two things together, which is the meaning implicit in handfasting. The rite involves wrapping a hand each of the bride and groom together with cloth to symbolize, you guessed it, unity.

You might also have been to a Jewish ceremony, which has a chuppah (Hebrew: “canopy”), a sheet, held up by four poles, that’s spread over the couple when they get married. It symbolizes the home they’ll build together. A Jewish couple would also then sign a ketubah (Hebrew: “written thing”) outlining the responsibilities of the groom toward the bride.

 

Hopefully, if nothing else, this article can show potential brides, grooms, and payers of the wedding expenses that there are abundant options available to them, whether or not some would be particularly advisable/accessible in your locale, or defray the costs versus the norm even if they were.

So, cheers, everyone. Keep on marrying and giving in marriage. I’ll see you next week.

viking_funeral

Memories of the fallen: Of Valkyries, burnt arrows

Today is Memorial Day in the United States, the day that marks the unofficial start of summer, and the day we honor and remember those who died in military service to the country.

We live in a relatively peaceful time here in the States. While I know a few soldiers or veterans from my generation, I haven’t personally known anyone who died in the Iraq or Afghanistan wars. Of course, over 6,700 have given their lives in these and other recent military engagements since the year 2000, but the days when U.S. soldiers would come back in body bags by the thousands seem to be mostly behind us, as our technology continues to outpace that of the third-world militias against which we tend to fight, and as machines take over much of the riskier jobs.

The good news, of course, is that we have fewer service men and women to mourn. The only trouble is that, because of our lack of practice, we’ve collectively grown worse at mourning and honoring those who have died for us in the past, and those who continue to die for us in the present. We do have a lot of great Memorial Day sales, though, right? So that’s something.

Memorial Day as we know it came out of the American Civil War. While the true origin is a point of some contention, ranging from observances held in Waterloo, New York, to Boalsburg, Pennsylvania, to Warrenton, Virginia, to Savannah, Georgia, there came about a common practice between 1861 and 1864 of decorating the graves of soldiers with flowers. Of course, graves have been decorated with flowers before that, but the establishment of a broad tradition of so adorning the graves of soldiers, specifically, began in response to the Civil War’s massive casualties, which reached somewhere around 600,000 to 700,000 by the end.

In fact, the holiday was called “Decoration Day” until 1967, shortly before the passage of the “Uniform Monday Holiday Act.” That law designated it, along with Columbus Day, Veterans Day, and Washington’s Birthday (now more commonly called Presidents Day) to always fall on Mondays in order to create convenient three-day weekends. Prior to that, Memorial Day occurred May 30 every year.

So, we have parades and grave decoration and flags flying at half-staff, but the day is no longer called Decoration Day, but Memorial Day. What’s the best way to go about remembering? The word “memory” is closely linked with the word “mind.” They share common roots, such as Greek merimna (“care, thought”), Latin memini (“remembrance”), and Old English murnan (“mourn, remember sorrowfully”).

The Norse giant Mímir (“rememberer, wise one”) had his head cut off in the Æsir-Vanir War, and the god Odin carried Mímir’s head around with him, apparently in order to hear the dead, beheaded giant speak secret knowledge to him. A similar word is “mnemonic,” which comes from Greek mnemonos (“mindful, remembering”). The goddess Mnemosyne birthed the nine Muses and presided over a pool in the underworld, granting memories back to those who had drunk from the river Lethe and forgotten their past lives.

So we remember our fallen soldiers by visiting their graves and decorating them with flowers. We symbolically give them life for a day out of the year. What have other cultures done to honor and remember their dead?

The Aztecs didn’t bury their dead at all, but burned them, as offering to the sun god. The dead (and the soon-to-be-dead via sacrificial knife wound) would be dressed in ceremonial garb and burned at the holy ziggurat. This also had the side effect of limiting the spread of disease. When warriors died afield, their bodies were burned en masse after the battle, and one of their arrows was returned home … to be dressed in ceremonial garb and burned in their stead.

In the time of Vikings, Scandinavians were often sent off in a small funeral boat with some of their treasured possessions. The boat would then be lit on fire, again to limit the spread of disease. A dead warrior’s soul was said to be escorted to Valhalla by the valkyrie (“chooser of the slain”), warlike maidens who may or may not be Odin’s daughters. The warriors then became einherjar (“fighters for a single time”), who eat of a beast that resurrects each night and train to fight in Ragnarök (“conjured fate”), the final battle that will destroy the world and create it anew.

Egyptians buried their dead rather than lighting them on fire. Rich Egyptians might afford mummification, including all the necessary preparations and spells (like pulling liquid brains out of the nose with a hook) that would make it most likely the person’s spirit would be welcomed into the afterlife by the gods. Common foot soldiers likely would have been put along with some of their best possessions into a pit, where the heat and dryness would preserve the body to some degree. That way, their ba and ka (sort of like their mind and their agency) might unite and become ahk, which is sort of a benevolent ghost energy, ideally watching over and protecting their living loved ones.

Maybe this Memorial Day, you don’t know any soldiers who’ve given their lives in service. If you do, though, you might try branching out in how you remember them. Decorate their graves with flowers, sure, but how about burning one of their arrows, cheering them on in their Ragnarök training, or saluting their ahk, which may be floating around you as you’re reading this?

Probably just stick with the flower thing.

matsya

April showers bring May flowers, diluvial myths

In the past week, Bosnia and Serbia have been hit by the heaviest rain in the history of recorded weather measurements there. Throughout Southeast Europe, at least 47 people are dead due to flooding. This ongoing tragedy is a reminder of the sheer, devastating power of nature, and water in particular.

Massive flooding like that in Europe is, thankfully, an aberration rather than a daily occurrence for most people. Nonetheless, smaller scale excesses of water can have frequent, significant impacts.

A few days ago around my home of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, we had a torrential downpour. I took the bus into town, and in the time I waited at the bus stop, my pants were completely soaked through despite my umbrella. The streets were filling up with water and the bus had to turn around at one point to take a different route. Our basement still has a small pool of water where the floor is lowest. The total time of the rainstorm? About 3 hours.

Of course, when you’re talking about flooding, the important factor is intensity, rather than just duration. It can rain for most of the year without flooding, so long as the rain is light. After the rain tapers off, the ground still has to soak it all in and deal with it. By then, houses have been destroyed, property has been ruined, and lives have been lost.

In 2005, the city of Mumbai was brought to a standstill when it got 39 inches of rainfall over the course of 24 hours. If a whole metropolitan area can be shut down by a single day of heavy rain, how about seven? Nine? Forty days? Given the frequency of small floods and the epic scale of large ones, it is no surprise the flood has pervaded world mythology since time immemorial.

In Judeo-Christian-Muslim religious mythos, a fellow named Noah is told to build a big boat because God is going to kill off the human race and Noah alone is worth saving. And his kids. And some animals. So they pile on the boat and weather the 40-day-long deluge, eventually landing and interpreting a rainbow as God’s promise never to destroy the world with a flood ever again. Cities, islands, and river lands, sure, but never the whole world. We all know this one because it’s ingrained in Western popular culture through retellings and satire, such as the movie Evan Almighty, even if you’ve never been to Sunday School.

Dig a little deeper and you’ll find a lot of other cultural traditions that have a remarkably similar motif. For instance, the Sumerians have a story about a man named Atra-Hasis (“exceedingly wise,” but you can also call him Utnapishtim; oh wait, that’s even harder to pronounce). In their version, the chief god, Enlil (“Lord of the Storm”), gets sick of mankind because they breed too quickly and spread disease, so he decides to flood them out. The god of freshwater and our old friend, Enki (maybe “Lord of Life”), is bound to secrecy, but he cheats and tells Atra-Hasis, a mortal, about the plan. Atra-Hasis builds a boat out of his house and loads all his possessions, family, and workmen into it. The flood goes on for seven days before he lands safely.

Enlil is pissed because Enki told his secret to a human, so Enki makes Atra-Hasis into an immortal as a sort of workaround; that way, he no longer has broken his oath. Thousands of years later, Atra-Hasis tells his story to Gilgamesh, who had sought him out seeking the secret of immortality.

Another similar story is that of the Greek Deucalion, who was the son of Prometheus. At one point, Zeus decides to wipe out the humans with a flood, but Deucalion and his wife Pyrrha (“flame colored,” as her hair), who was coincidentally the daughter of Pandora (the one with the box, not the Internet radio station), are told to build a “chest” and float out the nine-day-long deluge in it (however that was supposed to work). When they land, they sacrifice to Zeus and so are allowed to get a wish. They take up stones and throw them into the air, where they become men and women, thus circumventing the whole “repopulate the earth via incest” thing common to these stories.

Then there’s the Hindu story, found in the Puranas (Sanskrit: “of ancient times”), of Manu the mortal and Matsya, avatar of Vishnu. Manu, the first man, was a great king. At one time, he found a small fish being swept downstream to the ocean who begged him for help. Manu took him and put him in a tank. The fish outgrew it, so Manu put him in a bigger one, and so forth, until he had to put him in a river, and eventually in the ocean. At that point, the fish reveals himself to be an avatar of Vishnu (Matsya is Sanskrit for “fish”), and warns Manu that the world will be flooded, promising to help him get through the ordeal safely. Manu builds a boat and takes his family and some seeds and animals on board. He waits out the storm and makes it to land with Matsya’s help, then goes on to found the human race. Of course, he lived, like, 306 million years, but that’s how things go in Hindu mythology.

In China, we get a different kind of flood story — one that’s at least somewhat based in recorded history. Humanity wasn’t wiped out, but the country was fighting floods for centuries. Floods ravaged the fields and cities of China until the emperor hired a man named Gun to organize the efforts to push it back. Gun tried to use sandbags and blockades to keep the water out, but after a decade, his efforts failed, so the emperor killed him — or maybe Gun transformed into a dragon or something. Anyway, Gun’s son, modestly named Yu the Great, takes over the work and manages to get the flood under control by building dykes and/or fighting nine-headed snake monsters. The emperor is so impressed that he appoints Yu his successor, thus founding the Xia dynasty.

In Mesoamerica, an unnamed Tlapanec man survives the great flood alone … except for his dog. Afterward, it doesn’t seem like there’s much hope for repopulating the earth with humans, at least until the man discovers his dog turns into a woman while he’s away during the day. While definitively creepy, the man knows then what he has to do.

 

So I hope you’ve enjoyed this romp through some of the many cultural stories of flooding. In light of the real-world impact of rising waters even as we speak, I for one hope that we can all find courage in the stories of our cultural traditions to confront the harsh realities in these and other disasters. Best wishes to you all.

ling-harvest

Know what you grow: Gardens, source of all life

Nothing like spring sunshine and rains to get those gardens growing. Whether you live and work on a farm or just put a few potted plants up on the window sill, there’s something about tending earth and watching the (sometimes literal) fruits of your labor grow up out of it that stirs the human soul. It’s just more fulfilling to gather raspberries from your own backyard bush than to scoop up a sterile, plastic box full of them at the supermarket for $5.99. It connects you to nature, fills you with the satisfaction of (once again, literally) reaping what you sow. Of course, at the supermarket, you don’t have to worry about critters getting to the goods first. Still, it’s no wonder that gardening is such a popular pastime and that more and more people are choosing to buy farmland and raise crops for a living.

But what kinds of crops might you grow, if you are so inclined? We live in a global economy, which means that virtually any kind of food that has ever been eaten is available at your nearby grocery store, from lychee fruit to bison burgers (though we won’t typically find many insects for sale, despite their nutritional value and long history as part of the human diet). Where to start? As more than 86 percent of our readers are from the Western Hemisphere, you might consider only growing fruits and vegetables originally native to the Americas. So what gets left out of our garden plot?

 

The Middle East, or the area from Egypt to Mesopotamia (Greek, meso: middle; potamos: rivers; “between two rivers”), as it was called, is known as the “Fertile Crescent,” on account of all the good farmland there. This is, of course, the birthplace of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity, and home to the mythical Garden of Eden (either Hebrew edhen: “pleasure, delight” or Sumerian edin: “place that is well-watered throughout”). In the Hebrew Bible/Old Testament, Eden is the place where the first two humans were created. They lived in want of nothing until they disobeyed God and got kicked out, dooming their species to have to work for their supper (and snakes are bad, for some reason). In Sumerian myth, the place was called Edin, and it was where the Annunaki (“people who came from heaven to earth”), a race of god-lings, lived and eventually learned to do things like bathe and grow food. Oh, and also create mankind.

Middle Eastern vegetables include lettuce, radishes, onions, carrots, and cucumbers. We also get wheat, barley, oats, peas, mustard, almonds, sheep, pigs, cattle, and goats from the area. Quite a prolific region for foodstuffs! From Northern Europe, we get pears, raspberries, radishes, spinach, horses, and rye. From the Mediterranean (“middle earth”) come beets, broccoli, cabbage, kale, olives, and Brussels sprouts (the form we know now probably did originate in Belgium, but an earlier type of the plant came from ancient Rome).

Well, that limits our garden quite a bit. How about Asia? “Asia” comes from Akkadian asu: “to rise,” in reference to the sun coming up from the east. Incidentally, the Chinese call their country Zhongguo, which means “central land.” So, you know, everybody thinks they’re from the epicenter of the planet. “Japan” comes from Marco Polo’s “Chipangu,” which is from a Chinese transliteration of the Japanese Nippon (ni means “sun”; pon means “source”).

As to origin myths, one of the more popular ones in China holds that the land is made up of the dead body of the first man, Pangu (“ancient plate”?). While alive, he separated the Earth and sky (Yin and Yang), and when he died, his body filled the gap with rivers, mountains, and plants. What parts of him made our veggies, you ask? Why, his body hair, of course! Also of note: his sweat and snot made up the rain.

With that appetizing information at hand, let’s see what foods originated in Asia and the remaining continents. We get eggplant, rice (of course), coconut, kiwi, peaches, pretty much all the citrus fruits (Florida oranges and Georgia peaches, you say? Got ’em here first!), rhubarb, as well as chicken, lychee, mangoes, and black pepper. The list of African produce is slimmer, featuring yams and watermelon. From Australia, on the other hand, we get an array of old standbys, like conkerberries, doubah, emu apples or muntries, and the zig zag vine.

So what do we have left from the Americas that we can plant in our garden? Well, there’s corn. Originally called “maize,” the Europeans took to calling it “Indian corn,” the word “corn” deriving from an Old Saxon word for grain, but “Indian” was dropped later on. Maize was so important in the Americas that the Mayans believed they were made from it by the gods.

Well, first, the gods tried to make people out of mud. But those people didn’t do anything! They were just mud! Then, they made people out of trees — or wood, anyway. These people moved around and stuff, but they didn’t worship the gods. They lacked faith, and the gods found it disturbing. So the gods decided to animate all the wood peoples’ household appliances, which turned on them and attacked (just like the second Transformers movie), kicking them out of house and home. The wood people lived up in the trees from then on and became monkeys. Finally, the gods used maize to make people, and everything was great.

Other than corn, which constitutes, like, 90 percent of all processed food in the United States (via corn syrup, corn starch, corn-fed beef, etc.), there are quite a few options for our garden. From the Americas, we get beans, peanuts, potatoes, and sweet potatoes. (Haitian Creole batata is the word for “sweet potato”; originally, white potatoes were called “bastard potatoes” by the Europeans because they were cheap and of minor importance compared to their sweet cousins until Ireland built its economy around them.) More native American foods include tomatoes, chili peppers, avocados, cranberries, blueberries, strawberries, pineapples, and squashes. We also get quinoa, sunflowers, turkey, bison, walnuts, pecans, chocolate, vanilla, and maple syrup.

 

Well, looking at the origins of all these foods, I can safely say I’m glad all this stuff is available at the grocery store. I suppose I could live with food just from the Americas (chocolate and vanilla? Score!), but goodness knows our garden out back is all the better for having a few raspberries to pick each year.

may-the-fifth

Cinco de Mayo: May the Fifth be with you?

Even though the title of this article sounds like I’m telling you to carry whiskey around (I’m not not telling you that), I will in fact be talking about why we in the United States and Mexico celebrate Cinco de Mayo. We’ll also take a look at the similarities between the events that inspired that holiday and the narrative structure of one of the most beloved modern mythologies, celebrated with its own holiday yesterday, Star Wars.

Cinco de Mayo, or El Día de la Batalla de Puebla (Spanish: “the day of the battle of Puebla“), is not Mexican Independence Day, as is too-often thought in the United States. Instead, May 5 is the anniversary of a battle fought at the city of Puebla in 1862, wherein the Mexican army, outgunned and outnumbered nearly 2-to-1, crushed the army of the Second French Empire on its way to Mexico City. As it happens, the French still managed to work their way around and take the capital for a few years, but the battle at Puebla hampered their resources and might even have been a key factor in keeping the French out of the American Civil War.

Puebla, or Puebla de los Ángeles, means “village of the angels,” (as opposed to Los Angeles, California, which is an abbreviation of the city’s original name, a reference to “Our Lady the Queen of Angels,” or the Virgin Mary). Puebla is so named because the bishop of Tlaxcala in the 16th century dreamed the site where he would found the city, and he saw angels tracing it out for him. Turned out, the place was about five miles from the monastery where he lived. It’s one of the major waypoints between the Atlantic port of Veracruz (where Cortés offered up a “true cross” when he conquered the place) and Mexico City.

Mexico had spent a lot of money in civil wars and, indeed, needed to spend more in ongoing efforts to discourage rebellion, so Mexican president Benito Juárez decided to suspend repayment of the country’s foreign debts after his 1861 election. Many European creditors came in through Veracruz to get their money back. Spain, France, and Britain made a temporary alliance with each other to send their troops into Mexico for this purpose, but after taking Veracruz, Spain and Britain backed out, seeing that France wanted more than just debt repayment.

France, under the direction of Emperor Napoleon III (not to be confused with the more famous Napoleon, who was his uncle), decided to take a straight shot at expanding its empire while the Americans were distracted with their own war and in no real position to enforce the Monroe Doctrine (which was basically the States flipping the bird at Europe, telling them not to mess with our continent). Even better, if France was able to get a stronghold in Mexico and set up its own puppet regime, the French would probably support the Confederates in exchange for the Rebels tolerating France’s nearby presence. That support may have given the South the edge it needed to win.

But when France’s army of 8,000 took on the Mexican force of about 4,500 on that fateful Fifth of May, the French were repelled. The aggressors suffered casualties at three times the rate of the defenders, forcing them to retreat by the end of the day and hold off their advance for an entire year while they waited for reinforcements and additional armament. Juárez declared Cinco de Mayo a national holiday four days after the battle, and it served to help strengthen the unity of the Mexican people.

After France won the second battle of Puebla, moved on to take Mexico City, and forced Juárez into exile, the American Civil War was almost over. Emperor Napoleon, not wanting to leave all his armed forces stuck across the ocean fighting Mexicans and Americans while the Prussians were consolidating power closer to home, decided to pull out. The puppet emperor of Mexico Napoleon installed was ousted and executed by Juárez, who assumed power once again.

Without the victory at Puebla on May 5, 1862, Mexico might not have been able to keep its sovereignty as a state. So, in celebration of that battle, and the cause of freedom, we in the United States like to … drink tequila and eat tacos, I guess. Cool.

Of course, reality and fiction often overlap. And with May the Fourth and Cinco de Mayo just one day apart, my mind naturally draws connections between the two. So what do the second French intervention in Mexico and the rise and fall of the Galactic Empire have in common? Let’s see …

  1. A politician becomes emperor after enacting a coup d’etat (French: “stroke of state”). Both Napoleon III and Palpatine were granted unilateral power over their respective state militaries and used them to overthrow the government to become emperor.
  2. Said politician misleads allies as to his true intentions in order to use their armies. In Star Wars, Palpatine uses the Separatists to spark war and scare the Republic into giving him power. In real life, Napoleon led Spain and Britain to believe he only wanted to force Mexico to repay its debts rather than to take over the country.
  3. The army of the empire overruns the front lines of the opposition with overwhelming force. In Star Wars, the Empire obliterates Alderaan with the Death Star. In history, the allied Europeans swept into Veracruz easily.
  4. A plucky, outnumbered band of courageous defenders thwarts the empire in order to avert catastrophe. In Star Wars, the rebels blow up the Death Star with the dead Bothans’ intelligence and Luke Skywalker’s powers of the Force. In history, the Pueblans repelled France’s forces despite terrible odds.
  5. A powerful force, conflicted until the very end of the engagement, turns against the empire and enables the underdogs to emerge victorious. In Star Wars, Darth Vader realizes he wants his humanity, even more than he wants revenge, and kills Palpatine, allowing the rebels to wipe out the new Death Star. In history, the Union wins the Civil War and turns at least some part of its attention to the French occupation, prompting Napoleon to get out.

On the other hand, Emperor Napoleon was generally a pretty good ruler, unlike Palpatine. He was a progressive who did a lot to further women’s rights in France, promote equal opportunities, and help the economy, until he was ultimately kicked out of power by yet another revolution (say one thing about France, say they liked revolting in the 1800s).

Also, Mexico was a political madhouse prior to France’s invasion. Embroiled in civil wars and reform wars, the opposition liberal and conservative parties were hardly afraid to back up their politics with violence whenever and wherever they could. Part of the reason Napoleon thought he could take over was because the Mexican people were sick of their country’s politics and infighting. The Battle of Puebla went a long way toward cementing the public against foreign power, but perhaps otherwise they would have largely welcomed the intervention.

Either way, Star Wars has much fewer shades of grey in its morality than real life does. Big surprise there.

easter-eggs

Whose religion is it anyway? Easter edition

Many of us were able to spend yesterday with family and friends, eating ham and potatoes and deviled eggs that mom (or another varied matronly figure) cooked up for the occasion. Some of us attended our local place of Christian worship in honor of the death and resurrection of Jesus (Yeshua), while others refrained.

Certainly, the Christian church (fragmented though it be) is the primary sponsor of this particular day of rest — which makes it so odd that it’s named after what is almost certainly a pre-Christian, Saxon fertility goddess, Ēostre. It’s sort of like if I created my own religion (like Scientology … but we’ll call it “Give-Jim-all-your-money-ism”), and then decided the biggest holy day of the year, the celebration of when … uh … Supergod ate all the alien bad guys 5 billion years ago … anyway, that day should be called “Buddha.”

To be fair, the early church didn’t start off calling the day “Easter.” In fact, it wasn’t even just one day (it still isn’t), but a whole week, from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday, called then (and now, in most of the rest of the world) “Paschal,” which is a Latin derivation of the Hebrew Pesach, or “Passover.” Passover is the traditional Jewish holiday celebrating the time when God killed all the first-born Egyptian sons because the Pharaoh wouldn’t let Moses’ people go. The Jews were “passed over” because they sacrificed goats and smeared the blood on their front doors.

This event is one of the most visceral representations of the idea that the Hebraic God’s people can be saved (or forgiven, or redeemed) by offering up a blood sacrifice that runs throughout the Old Testament. Since the whole notion of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross ties directly into that, the early Christians decided to just steal the whole holiday: word, time of year, ritual, and theme, whole hat from the Jews (again, to be fair, they technically were Jews themselves … as are Christians, arguably, today — just an extremely “reformed” version).

So if the day already had a perfectly good, if plagiarized, name, why give it a totally different one in English? Simply put, when the Roman Empire started to spread Christianity to the Germans and the Bretons in the early hundreds A.D., those cultures already had an early spring celebration called Ēosturmōna? (“Easter month”). This was the big-deal celebration around those parts, and even if people were willing to be bullied into monotheism and whatnot, they weren’t willing to give up their annual “We survived the winter, now let’s get bizzay” traditions. So the name stayed.

But what do we know about Ēostre anyway? Not that much. There was an 8th-century account by a canonized monk named Bede attesting that the holiday of Easter Month was once used to celebrate a goddess, but that’s the oldest bit of writing available on the subject. It could possibly be that no such goddess had ever existed, and the Breton tribes used the word “Easter” to refer to the dawn (from Proto-Indo-European root aus, “to shine,” shared by the word “east”), and, therefore, to spring, since, y’know, dawn starts happening sooner in spring.

On the other hand, the dawn/fertility goddess of the contemporary Old High Germanic tribes was named Ostara, and there is a lot of evidence to suggest that many fertility goddesses, from Roman Venus to Babylonian Ishtar to Sumerian Inanna, all derive from a root goddess named something like “Hausōs,” the personification of dawn. It seems likely that the nearby Northumbrians in England would have taken the dawn goddess along with the other deities intrinsic to these cultures.

In the root mythology, Hausōs was a bringer of light who was punished for aiding humanity (much like Christian Lucifer and Greek Prometheus, but unlike Japanese Amaterasu). Typically, the goddess is imprisoned by a dragon or another god and gets rescued by a powerful hero, either another god or a mortal. This, of course, symbolizes the day/night cycle on Earth.

While we’re on the subject of Easter, a quick note or two about bunnies and eggs. Are they really just fertility symbols co-opted by Christians to represent resurrection? Well … maybe, maybe not. One popular theory about dyed eggs is that people had to hard-boil them to preserve them during Lent, when they weren’t allowed to eat them, and frequently put flowers into the pot to color the eggs to make them pretty. Then, the eggs were a treat on Easter Sunday.

As to the bunny, there was a peculiar belief in medieval times that hares were hermaphroditic and able to conceive without losing their virginity. Thus, the idea of the hare was linked to the virgin birth and showed up in illuminated manuscripts and paintings of Mary and the Christ child. That, however, has nothing in particular to do with death and/or resurrection, so it’s anyone’s guess how the Easter Bunny specifically landed the job.

Hope you all had a pleasant “East Day,” and feel free to consider joining the church of Give-Jim-all-your-moneyism. New members are welcome anytime.

horsemen

Apocalypse later: End time prophesies, countdowns

Human religions seem a little obsessed with the idea of a final, conclusive tallying of moral debts and credits. Christians in particular tend to demonstrate a bit of perverse, preemptive schadenfreude over the idea that, when the trumpets sound, some folk (i.e. people we disagree with) are going to the not-happy place, while we, the good ones, are going to have fun in the sun for all eternity. Of course, Christians don’t want sinners to suffer forever, but hey, we can only do so much, right? “So much,” in this case, typically being either handing out vilifying, out-of-touch tracts … or nothing at all. But y’know. Only so much.

The end of the world isn’t just a religious obsession, however. Zombies and nuclear holocausts and plagues have all taken numerous turns in our media. If you’re reading this, you probably live in a relatively safe society (i.e. laws keep bigger people from killing the smaller ones and taking our stuff), even though humans are primed by evolution to use physical force to survive (i.e. kill people and take their stuff); apocalyptic scenarios, no matter how unlikely in reality, are a constant undercurrent in our subconscious awareness. We like to hear stories about desperation and survival in the face of severe adversity, because we want to train ourselves via social learning to survive in those conditions if necessary.

So let’s talk about eschatology for a few minutes. Eschatology (Greek eschatos, “last, furthest, extreme”; logos, “word, being”), literally “word of the end,” refers to the study of the end times as a phenomenon, usually in relation to the biblical book of Revelation (to reveal is to “un-veal,” or unveil), so named on account of the prophecy being revealed to John (a disciple of Jesus and the book’s alleged writer) by an angel on the island of Patmos.

The word revelation is where we get apocalypse (Greek apo, “from”; kalyptein, “cover, conceal”). In the Middle Ages, the word apocalypse was used frequently, not as a catchall for the end times, but with its literal meaning, to discover the truth of something.

Finally, the word Armageddon, which is another of those that is often used in the context of end times, refers to the Palestinian mountain of Megiddo (Har means “mountain,” Megiddo, incidentally, means “place of crowds”), which was specifically mentioned as the site of the final battle in the book of Revelation.

All caught up? Good. Let’s look at what the end of the world is like in Christian, Hindu, and Mayan mythos.

Judgment Day

There are several ways religious scholars and lay folk have interpreted the book of Revelation. The most common (as displayed in Tim LeHaye’s unsubtle Left Behind book series) is to assume that the events discussed have yet to occur. It makes sense if you’re trying to interpret the book more or less literally, as it refers to the sun burning up a third of the Earth, dragons roaming about, and the resuscitation of all the dead martyrs. I’m confident in saying that most of that stuff has not, as of yet, happened. Anyway, this interpretation sees the events of the book, even if symbolic, eventually coming to pass. There will be an Antichrist (virtually every major political figure in the Western World has been called thus by some crackpot at one time or another). There will be rapture (good Christian folk zapped up to heaven before bad stuff starts happening). There will be tribulation (wormwood and locusts and the four horsemen). Everyone fights, nobody quits.

Another interpretation is the preterist version, which sees the book as commenting on or foretelling the fall of Jerusalem, which actually occurred circa A.D. 100, when the temple was destroyed and desecrated. Like much of the contemporary apocalyptic literature (none of which made it into the Bible), major use of allegory and metaphor was used to hide the message, so as to avoid unwanted scrutiny by those people the passages were condemning. Think Arthur Miller’s The Crucible. In this interpretation, the long-haired locusts were the barbarian Huns, the whore of Babylon was Rome, and the beast slouching toward Bethlehem was Roman Emperor Nero, who was famous for throwing Christians to the lions whenever he found them.

A third interpretation mostly focuses on a “broad strokes” view of the book, in which God’s people, who find themselves neck deep in troubles, eventually end up pulling through and overcoming adversity. This interpretation sees the book as a metaphor for hope amid times of trial, rather than an account of real events, past or present.

Kali Yuga

Aside from the fact that every Hindu god is an aspect of another god, or has multiple personae, names, and avatars, there are two Kalis, just to add to the confusion. One of them is Shiva’s consort, a bloody warrior woman frequently depicted with sword in one hand and severed head in the other. Her name means “the black one,” from the Sanskrit root kalah, because she existed before there was light. The one they’re talking about in Kali Yuga, however, is a demon who has nothing to do with that other one. Our Kali’s name comes from kad, which means “suffer, grieve, hurt.” He’s basically a bully.

There are four ages (Yuga) in the Hindu mythic chronology, and Kali Yuga is the last one. The bad news is it’s by far the shortest. In fact, it only lasts 1/10,000th of a Brahma day, and it started in about 3100 B.C., at the Kurukshetra War, the one between the Kaurava and Pandava that I talked about in an earlier article. The good news is that 1/10,000th of a Brahma day is still 432,000 of our years, so we’ve got some time yet. Kali Yuga is the age of meanness and pettiness, when people are impolite, greedy, and murderous. Yep, sounds about right. When it’s over, the cycle will start over again with the first of the four ages, where everybody is righteous and wise.

The long count

The Mayans loved their calendars. They were the most accurate calendars ever created, by some accounts, and the culture was so invested in them that they named their children after the day they were born, with names like “Two Monkey” and “Four Death.” They used a method called the calendar round, in which the calendar didn’t reset every year, but rather every 52 years, meaning they didn’t need leap days, or leap seconds, or whatever. Things just rounded out, and the cycle lasted a normal human lifespan. When they needed a longer way to keep track of dates, they used a method called the long count.

So nearing the end of 2012, there was a big to-do about the Mayan calendar ending. Apocalypse! But no, it turns out this was just a misinterpretation of the long count. You see, one day on that calendar is a k’in. Twenty of those is a winal. Eighteen winals is a tun (about one solar year). Twenty tuns is a k’atun. Twenty k’atuns is a b’ak’tun (we’re up to 400 years). December 21, 2012, was simply switching over to the 13th b’ak’tun on the long count calendar. Nothing more, nothing less. No apocalypse. And, you know, there wasn’t one, so it bears out.

So whether the world ends tomorrow, 400,000 years from now, or it’s already happened and we don’t realize it, here’s hoping that we don’t all get eaten by giant, man-faced locusts.