As good and responsible parents, we want our kids to avoid “stranger danger.” We spend lots of time telling them to never talk to strangers. We describe who strangers are: they don’t live in our house, we’ve never been to their house, they don’t know your name, and you don’t know their name. We further augment this with the sage advice to find a police officer if they ever need help.
Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen a cop just about once in never on the few occasions that I needed assistance. (And these were the days way before cell phones!)
You can see the scenario, right? A crowded amusement park in July — parent and child are separated and the kid starts looking for a police officer, who of course cannot be found. In the meantime, someone (a creepy someone) notices that child looking lost and bewildered. The child is now in paralyzed panic mode and begins to cry. In swoops creep-o to “help.” We’ve all seen the news often enough to imagine what happens next.
I am in no way suggesting the world is full of creeps just waiting to nab kids. The world is, in fact, full of well-intentioned adults who would be happy to help your child to safety. But the fact remains that, each year, approximately 58,000 children under the age of 18 are victims of non-family abductions.
So, what is the solution, you ask? The solution is so simple, we can’t believe we hadn’t thought of it earlier: teach your kids to talk to strangers!
Children are very good at identifying safe adults. It is much better for kids to actively identify a safe adult and initiate contact with him or her than to passively wait for an adult to select and approach them. Teaching your kids who is safe and how to approach them are key in keeping kids out of danger.
Start this conversation by asking your kid(s) what they would do if you got separated in a playground or park. My kids said they would yell for me and look for me. I asked if they would leave the park if they didn’t find me; one said no, the other said yes. No is the best answer here, so I told them that staying near the spot where we were separated is the best thing to do, since that’s where I would go first to find them. Then, I said that if I haven’t found you before you start to get really worried, you need to find a safe adult to help you.
Here’s how: A child’s first choice, of course, would be an employee — a park ranger or a vendor, for example. A police officer is an excellent choice, too, but since cops aren’t everywhere, other options are needed. Teach kids to identify these folks when you are out and about. When you’re in a mall, ask your child if he can spot employees and to whom he would go if he needed help. Employers, in general, have some kind of “lost child” policy in place for their employees. And in a place like a mall or an amusement park, they will often summon security to help return lost children to their parents.
If an employee cannot be found, or if you are in an area (like a state park) where there are no identifiable employees, a child’s next best choice is a woman with kids. If there are no women with kids in sight, then third on the list is a woman. If there are no women, then a man with children is a fourth choice. If no men with kids are around, then the child should use all of her instincts to identify a man to help her.
Again, when you are out and about, ask your child to show you who would be a good option to ask for help if he needed it. You will find that kids truly have good instincts if they are encouraged to become aware of them and to trust them.
Seeking help requires a child to know her own name, her parents’ full names, the phone number (cell or home) of her parents, and her home address. For kids who can talk but don’t know or can’t remember some or all of this information, you will need to do a bit more prep work. In this instance, you would want to make sure this information is somewhere on your child and she must be able to produce it to get the help she needs.
You can get a luggage tag with your contact information on it and have your child wear it on a lanyard (like a necklace) under his shirt. Or, you could get a hospital-type wristband or other hard-to-remove tag and attach it to your child or his clothing. He should be taught to produce this when he asks for help, so you can easily be found.
Now that your child can identify a safe stranger, it’s time to teach them what to say. The best thing to say is the most concise thing to say: “My name is ___ and I’m lost. Can you help me?” However, you don’t want the first time your child has to talk to a stranger to be the time when they need help. You want to practice this skill before it is needed. So, at restaurants, have your child order her own food. From time to time, ask your child to get change from an employee, or ask someone what time it is.
Doing so does three things: It helps your child identify safe strangers. It helps your child get comfortable talking to strangers. It empowers your child. And empowered kids are far less likely to ever become victims.
Recommended reading for parents:
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)